Shannen Doherty has died. The actress, best known for her work on 90210 and Charmed, was first diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer in 2015. She experienced a recurrence in 2019, and in 2020 announced she was Stage 4, with the cancer spreading to her bones, then, this year to her brain.
What I loved about Shannen is that she lived loudly with Stage 4. She didn’t shy away from her diagnosis. She didn’t stop working. She had a podcast where she spoke candidly about death. She said in an interview with People that she didn’t fear death. She just didn’t want to die.
Before I experienced my breast cancer diagnosis, the notion of cancer frightened me. I freely admit (and I sincerely wish this was not the case) that if a friend of mine shared they had been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer I probably would have awkwardly shied away, unsure of what to say, or what to do.
Shannon Doherty taught lessons in courage
Having cancer myself has taught me courage on many fronts. It also has led to an acceptance that, memento mori, we all die. None of us get out of this existence alive. It is just that some of us have a clearer picture of our sell-by date than others.
I have several friends now who have been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. You meet them in groups and on Instagram. It’s no cakewalk for them. There is pain, there are potent drugs and side effects, and there are setbacks and hospitalizations. I know three people who passed away from cancer in the last year. I wrote about one of these friends here.
Here’s the thing. Here’s the lesson for me and you. Despite this diagnosis, they are just humans living their lives. They spend time with their families. They celebrate Christmas and birthdays. They go to parties. They do photo shoots. They take vacations. They continue to work. They go to the Gym and play golf. They raise their kids. They cuddle their dogs. They do it all enthusiastically and as much vigour as one can muster. They aren’t sad. Well, sometimes they are and that’s perfectly understandable. More often, however, they lean into a dark sense of humour that we all seem to embrace here in cancerland. I recall chatting with one friend who was diagnosed after me. He joked that the family had a bet on who would live longer, he or the family’s Guinea Pig. He wryly said his money was on the Guinea Pig. It takes courage to make a joke like that.
Don’t pity those diagnosed with breast cancer
The last thing people who have been diagnosed with cancer and certainly stage 4 cancer is to be pitied or felt sorry for. They just want to live, undefined and not labelled by this shitty diagnosis. And they never stop believing they can do just that — live fulfilled and happy. Like Shannen, they may not be afraid of dying, but they don’t want to die. Very truthfully I have never met people more alive or more grateful.
Shannen Doherty was living this sentiment every day. She spoke openly and vocally about her stage 4 diagnosis in media interviews, on her Instagram account and podcast. And she had this to say, “ “People just assume that it means you can’t walk, you can’t eat, you can’t work. They put you out to pasture at a very early age —‘You’re done, you’re retired,’ and we’re not,” she says. “We’re vibrant, and we have such a different outlook on life. We are people who want to work and embrace life and keep moving forward.”
So if you have the privilege as I do of knowing someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, or diagnosed with stage 4, please check your assumptions and your pity at the door. Instead, buy them a beer and enjoy their company. Talk about the joy of living. You too will come away more grateful.
