Navigating a breast cancer diagnosis is a journey filled with countless challenges, and discussing your diagnosis with your young children can feel like an insurmountable hurdle. However, based on my own experience, having an open dialogue can provide not only emotional relief for you, but also support and reassurance for your children, regardless of their age.
When I had my breast cancer diagnosis, my children were in their twenties, and already building their lives. Even so, news of my health rocked their world. They needed to know the details. They wanted to be included in the dialogue. They needed to have the opportunity to ask questions and express their fears and emotions. My daughter a year after my treatment admitted vulnerable that she was terribly angry at me. In her mind, it wasn’t ok that her mom was sick, vulnerable and scared. I was supposed to be the strong one. It was only after some time that she came to realize she was angry with the disease and not with me.
Helping younger children impacted by a breast cancer diagnosis
For younger children, the approach should be appropriately tailored. The first step is to understand your child’s level of comprehension. Toddlers or very young children have a limited understanding of illness, let alone a breast cancer diagnosis, so it’s best to keep the explanation simple and emotion-neutral. For instance, you might say, “Mommy is sick and needs to go through a long treatment to get better.”
School-aged children have a more sophisticated understanding, and therefore, they can grasp more details. It’s essential to be honest, yet reassuring: “Mom has a type of sickness called cancer. The doctors are going to do their best to help me get better.”
It is also important to reassure your child that this is not their fault, that cancer is not contagious and will not spread to others, and that there will always be someone there to take care of them at all times.
No one understands this challenge better than young mums who find themselves facing a breast cancer diagnosis. Fellow #breasties Cheryl Clark, Victoria McGlone and Natalie Kwandrans — women I have come to know through my breast cancer journey — have each developed resources to help young children through their parent’s breast cancer diagnosis.
In Cupcakes for Cancer, author Cheryl Clarke tells the story of Callie, a happy and caring little girl, who loves to do nice things for other people. When Callie receives some difficult news, she finds a way to put that caring and sharing nature to good use to help someone she loves very much. Filled with warmth, love, and a sprinkle of sweetness, Cheryl Clarke’ Cupcakes for Cancer is a story about finding hope in a challenging time.
The Good Cancer, by Victoria McGlone, is a heartwarming story about two brave young children who navigated their mother’s early-stage breast cancer diagnosis with courage, strength and bravery. The Good Cancer helps open up a dialogue around early-stage, curable cancer, in a safe and easy-to-understand way, removing the fear and stigma that is often associated with a scary diagnosis.
Mommy Has Cancer, by Natalie Kwandrans is an animated comic strip for young families with a terminally ill parent.
Helping teens navigate the emotions of a breast cancer diagnosis
As children mature into their teenage years, they are more equipped to handle the gritty truths of your diagnosis. It’s still paramount to assure them that they are secure, their daily lives will continue, and you’re doing everything to fight this.
The National Institutes for Health offers this resource to help young adults learn how to cope.
Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers. When I received my diagnosis, my mind was a whirlpool of fear, anger, and sadness. It’s important to express that you might not know everything, but you and your medical team are working together.
After sharing my diagnosis, my son and I took our dogs for a walk in the forest near our house. We trudged along silently, each lost in our thoughts. There was something therapeutic about the quiet solidarity between us.
Your children’s responses will also be varied. Some kids might feel angry or scared — my daughter has admitted this was her reaction — others may retreat. Be patient, reassure them that their feelings are natural, and most importantly, let them know it’s okay to talk about it.
If you can, try to incorporate fun moments, no matter how small, into your journey. For us it meant watching our favorite show, Schitt’s Creek, which gifted us laughter amid the uncertainty and fear. My daughter and I also had some belly laughs applying my lick-and-stick tattoo eyebrows.
Telling your child about your cancer diagnosis isn’t a one-time discussion. It’s a continual dialogue, responding to their questions, acknowledging their worries, and sharing your journey as you feel comfortable. No one knows your child better than you, trust your instincts, and you’ll find the right words.
Taking time for self-care
Remember, it’s okay to take time for yourself. During my journey, I found meditation and walking extremely helpful. It gave me the strength and peace I needed during those arduous times.
Opening up about your cancer diagnosis will show your children that it’s okay to talk about it, to cry, to be angry, even to laugh. It will encourage them to express their feelings and, in turn, help them cope with the changes your family is facing.
Remember, AskEllyn.ai is always there as a resource. In designing our AI companion, we wanted her wisdom and empathetic support to help not only the patient but family members as well — including children. Older children can use AskEllyn as a private confidante and to answer the questions they have — especially those that might be difficult to pose to a parent. Adults can also turn to AskEllyn as a supportive coach, ready to advise about talking to children and even the right words to use. If you haven’t tried chatting with AskEllyn using the simple language of a child, for instance asking her “Why is mummy bald?” you must try it. Her sweet, motherly answers always warm my heart. Let’s face it, a cancer diagnosis is a lot to deal with at any age, but to go through surgery and treatment with little ones to care for is an extra burden to carry.
Research shows that mothers with breast cancer are more susceptible to both depression and parenting stress, regardless of disease duration. Remember to take care of YOU as well as them. Do not hesitate to seek professional advice. If you, at any point, feel unsure of how to handle an aspect of your child’s response or behaviour, a child therapist or counsellor with experience in illness-related anxieties could provide valuable guidance.
